The Charlie Bartlett Affair
by A Touch of Insanity
Summary: Chekov tries to offer psychiatric advice to the crew. Of course, their only real concerns are their love lives. Good to know Starfleet's finest crew have their priorities sorted. One-shot, K/S, U/Mc, C/Su. Language.


Chekov knew it was a good idea. When he was at the Academy, he was always the genius kid. The genius kid everyone went to for free psychiatry. A little set-up in the communal restrooms on Deck Three, and he was all set. He felt it was his duty to help his fellow crewmates with their problems. Besides, it allowed him to know all the good gossip, even though he wouldn't tell a soul.

* * *

**Uhura**

"Hello. I'm Pavel Chekov."

"Hey, Pavel. It's Uhura."

"So, tell me: vhy are you here?"

"I'm having trouble with my relationship."

"Do you vant to talk about it?"

"My boyfriend- Wait. This is confidential, right?"

"Da."

"Okay, so, my boyfriend, well, he's not really _receptive_ in the bedroom. I mean, we have sex and all of that, but it's just sort of like he doesn't want to be there. I really like him, but it kinda seems like he doesn't like me so much."

"Vhy do you zhink zhis is?"

"I think…oh, fuck it. I think he's in love with someone else. The way he looks at me, it's like he's wishing it wasn't me he's kissing or touching or…anything."

"I zhink vhat you should do is break up vith him. If he does not care for you, zhen you should not stay vith him."

* * *

**Bones**

"Okay, I'm going to skip the shrink crap and just get to the point here: my friend is trying to get into the pants of his other friend. I'm worried he's going to get killed or something because he can't keep it in his pants."

"And how do you feel about zhis?"

"I feel bad for him, and a little angry. I mean, he's been like this for as long as I've known him. I thought he'd have learned by now that it's a bad idea. Besides, he could show a little restraint. He's being a jackass. I'm worried he'll push him past the breaking point and I'll find him in my sickbay and have to put him back together, or try."

"And vhy are you so sure zhat Kirk vill be injured?"

"It's Spock he's after. It's only going to end in pain on his end. There's no possible way he'll be able to charm his way into a Vulcan's pants. Last time he tried to get some sort of response from the man, I had him on a bed with a bruised trachea."

"How do you feel about alvays hawing to put him back togezer?"

"I don't like it one goddamn bit. I worry for the guy. He's like a little brother to me. A stupid, horny asshole of a little brother. And he's going to get the shit kicked out of him."

* * *

**Jim**

"Hey, Chekov. Nice little set-up you've got here."

"Zhank you. Vhat have you come to me about?"

"It's sort of embarrassing, really."

"I am wery discreet."

"Well, so, I know this sounds completely out of character for me, but I think I might be in love. Like, it's not the way it usually is, where I chase some hot piece of ass, fuck it, and move on. It's different. It's like…it's like he's everything. Every single waking moment is spent thinking about him…about that firm jaw line, warm brown eyes, his lips, god, his _lips_. I've never felt like this before, so I don't know how to act. I just do what I normally do, but it's not working. What am I supposed to do?"

"I zhink you should become better friends first. Maybe if you approach him on his own terms, you kin build a relationship."

"How? I don't know what Vulcans like. Oh, wait…well, the cat's out of _that_ bag. But still. I don't know what terms to approach him on."

"Meester Spock is logical. Perhaps if you approach him vith a logical pastime, such as chess, you might be able to get to know him better and have a relationship."

"Okay. I'll try it."

* * *

**Uhura**

"Hi, Chekov. I'm back."

"Oh? Is it the same issue as before?"

"No. I broke up with him a little while ago, it's just that I'm having problems with a fellow officer."

"Vould zhis fellow officer be zhe Keptin?"

"No. Kirk is a pain, but an ignorable pain. This guy…he's so…ugh! It's like all he ever does is complain! And swear. Honestly, he just sits around moping and swearing and drinking. The worst part is, that's not even the real him! Underneath his stupid cantankerous exterior, he's like this big marshmallow. But you'd never know it if you talked to him. I wish he'd just stop being so grouchy all the time and lighten up a little, have some fun, maybe even let his softer side show. I mean, I know for a fact he has one. Otherwise, he'd've kick Kirk to the curb years ago."

"Maybe you hef to get to know him zhe vay zhe Keptin has."

"You mean like, drinking? I mean, I can hold my liquor, but getting drunk just seems…like trying to pick someone up at a cheap bar. It's cheap."

"Maybe zhe reason he drinks is to deal vith his emotions. If you drink vith him, you could grow closer because he vill be sharing zhose emotions vith you."

"Okay. I'll give it a try. You've been right so far. Breaking up with Spock was a great idea. We're much better as friends anyway."

* * *

**Spock**

"I would first like to state that this is entirely illogical. You do not have the training to be a psychiatrist, and I do not need one emotionally."

"Zhen vhy are you here?"

"I have a complicated issue that I need outside advice on, due to the nature. I would prefer the advice to be confidential, so I have invested in your services."

"Vhat did you come here to talk about?"

"I believe myself to be…infatuated with one of my superiors."

"You only hef one superior, Commander."

"In theory, the admiralty is still considered superior to me, but you are correct for the purposes of this consultation. I am infatuated with Jim. A few weeks ago, I believed him to be infatuated with me, as he flirted almost constantly and I believe that is how he shows affection. Recently, he has been pursuing my companionship in a more friendly manner. I believe he has given up, as I was feigning disinterest because I was involved with someone else at the time and it was illogical to go along with it. I would like to show him that I am interested in pursuing a more intimate relationship with him, but I do not know if _he_ is still interested in one. Is there a method to finding out?"

"It is possible zhat he is acting in a more friendly vay because he doesn't vant you to beliewe zhat he is interested in a purely physical relationship. You could try simply telling him how you feel."

"That is logical. I shall attempt it. Thank you for your advice on the matter, and I will hold you to our confidentiality."

* * *

**Bones**

"Okay, so maybe last time helped, but I still don't believe in your psychology bullshit."

"Zhen vhy hef you come to me?"

"See, I have this problem. I like, you know, an _assertive_ woman. A woman who say what's on her mind and won't take any shit from you. My ex-wife was like that. It was probably the reason she dumped my sorry ass. I guess I'm a little afraid that if I try to be with this one, I'll end up alone again. My divorce sucked, and I don't want to get hurt like that again. But, the thing is, I just don't know what do with women. I mean, it's been a while and all that, and I'm used to just talking to the guys, like Jim and Scotty. It's easy: you just sit, drink, and pass out. But _women_…are you supposed to do the same thing? I mean, they sit there all pretty with those gorgeous long legs and bat their eyelashes, and it's like everything I ever knew doesn't make sense anymore. How are you supposed to tell them you like them without it all getting awkward or sounding like you just want a fuck? I don't want to start a relationship with her only to have her ditch me because she thinks I just wanted a piece of ass."

"Try sharing your emotions. Vomen like to know zhat a man has emotions. Confide in her. She vill be receptive. Zhen you kin tell her she is beautiful, and zhere vill be no problems."

"You sure?"

"Da. Just show her your softer side. Zhey like to belive ve are just big marshmallows."

"What would give them that idea?"

* * *

**Sulu**

"Hey, Pavel."

"Hello, Hikaru. Vhat did you vant to talk about?"

"You see, I have this friend, and he's completely oblivious to the fact that I'm in love with him. We spend a lot of time together, and I try to seem like I like, because I do, but he just doesn't notice. I've tried flirting with him, complimenting him, and everything short of telling him flat out. Is there any way for me tell him how I feel without actually telling him how I feel?"

"Vell, who is zhis friend?"

"I know this is confidential, but I just can't tell you. I trust you, but I don't want it to get back to him no matter what."

"Fine, zhen. You could try to simply ask him to go to a bar next shore leave to drink vith him, zhen seduce him."

"Okay. Thanks. Hey, Pavel, you want to go to a bar next time we're on shore leave?"

"I believe zhat vould be a good plan."

* * *

The bridge was an odd sight, but it left Chekov feeling accomplished. After all, he was responsible for most of it. His eyes traveled around the room, eyeing his work. Spock leaned in to whisper something into the Captain's ear, their fingers inconspicuously intertwined on the chair's armrest. Uhura kept sending smiles to the CMO, who had taken to spending his time on the bridge and looking gruff at all times. At least, all the time that wasn't spent making eyes at the Communications Officer. And then there was him. Chekov himself looked over across his station to Sulu, who met his eyes with a mischievous smirk.

* * *

_**Well**_**. I will ask everyone not to rain fire down onto my Chekov and Sulu. I know nothing of either of them besides Chekov's accent and Sulu's stint as a plant biologist or whatever he was in The Naked Time. But yeah...I watched _Charlie Bartlett_, and all I could think about was Chekov sitting in a grody bathroom stall and offering surprisingly good advice to the entire crew.**


End file.
